In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.
The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened.
Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I’d rather lie around. No contest.
I want to help people, give hope to all. Humor is the foundation of our lives.
Confound these ancestors… They’ve stolen our best ideas!
Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements.
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don’t give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
Then people ask me if I’m worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that’s another 1.8. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I’ll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.
Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis’ nightstand.
Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?
Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
For the foreseeable future, we’re going to need oil products because I don’t like the idea of hydrogen cars. I’m not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I’m alive!"
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I’ve been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I’m happy I could give him work.
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you’re kidding?… Noooo… as funny as that is, I’m not
We’re told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
Our attention span is shot. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD – Too Busy Disorder.
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I’m just like “shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah.
I don’t want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He’s being chased by a lion. That’s stress. You’re not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I’ll tell you that right now.
All we have is here and now. That’s why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution.