I put a basketball in front of George Clooney’s door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.
It’s our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting.
I watch people’s behavior and notice things. I think that’s why I became a comedian. I notice how stupid the things we do are.
Now,I’m no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They’re tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they’re saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock… Who’s There?.. Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.
I appreciate your giving my book — and in no small way, me — a chance. To thank you, I really wanted to acknowledge all of you in the book. Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough room for each name. So I’ve put in a code name that stands for all of you reading this book. The name is ‘Mom.’ It will be our little secret. So when you see ‘Mom’ in the acknowledgments, you’ll know I’m really talking about you. And don’t let my mother try to tell you otherwise.
I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.
Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.
Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
I just like observing people – it’s something I’ve done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That’s a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I’m alive!"
I admire people who know they can’t sing. There are so many people out there who can’t sing, but they think they can, so they sing a lot.
Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost.
I love furniture. And I thought, why are we not seeing who’s making the cool new coffee table and these new designs that come out?
I’ve been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it’s pretty equal. I don’t know why that is. It’s been the same thing for a while. It’s hard for female comedians to stand out. That’s weird. That’s a shame.
I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] I mean, I think this part is great but that the traveling is y’know, ’cause ’cause I’m gone a lot from home and this time I’m out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that’s hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks ’cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody’s home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn’t tangled or the baby’s gonna get bored.
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Designing is my hobby. If I didn’t do what I do for a living – at some point when I don’t do this for a living – I’ll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture.
I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they’re usually somebody’s. You know, I’m not wearing Kmart.
The definition of success changes. Success is to live your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be something you’re not. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path; unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path, then by all means, you should follow that.
Beauty isn’t between a size zero and a size eight, it is not a number at all. It is not physical.
I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God. They don’t harbour resentment.
I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they’re seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that’s fine for me. I’m not saying I don’t like it. But I don’t think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there’s just no innocence left.
Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you’re really supposed to be doing. Chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.
Honestly, we’d probably be great parents. But it’s a human being, and unless you think you have excellent skills and have a drive or yearning in you to do that, the amount of work that that is and responsibility – I wouldn’t want to screw them up! We love our animals.
I’m a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
I prefer to believe that people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It’s not easy to find those people all the time, but they’re out there.
Everybody always resolves to start exercising, but they never do. You know why ? Because it’s January. Who wants to go jogging in the freezing cold ?
Things will get easier, people’s minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
Be kind to one another. Bye, bye.
Save a life this Thanksgiving, and join me in starting a new tradition by adopting a turkey instead of eating one through Farm Sanctuary’s Adopt-A-Turkey Project.
When your heart is broken, when your heart has cracks in it, it lets the light in.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say ‘You’re it!’ and then run away.