And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don’t give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.
American’s could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
The good thing about Pittsburgh, it’s a good place to be raised… it doesn’t tolerate assholes. You’re either a good guy or you’re a bad guy… When I’m in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody’s saying anything and everybody’s talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head – shut up, smile, get the job, move on.
I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.
You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.’
I like the show [Factor] because it’s horny, but it’s not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?
The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.
Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!
One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech.
Al Gore couldn’t be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.
The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.
I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That’s like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day.
Companionate Conservatism – Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Then people ask me if I’m worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that’s another 1.8. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I’ll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.
[The Internet] … is an amazing communications tool that’s bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it’s just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world, in China, someone you’ve never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you’re hearing.
The way I’ve always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I’m smart enough to know that I’m dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That’s all I do.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
So who’s the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That’s it? I’m sorry, but it’s hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.
Now I don’t have anything against Mexican people, but for God’s sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
We’ve got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It’s just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.
There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don’t pay attention.
Xenophobia doesn’t benefit anybody unless you’re playing high-stakes Scrabble.
I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.
Think of Iraq as "East Korea," because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we’ve now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty – in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come.
It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!